Happy Birthday Grandma

Today, grandma would have been 94 today. I would have baked her an angle food cake and cut strawberries the night before so they could soak in brown sugar, cinnamon and a splash of apple or orange juice to make the most delicious syrup. Before I served the cake I would have used full fat cream and whipped it until it was thick and ready to be plopped on top of the cake and berries. we would have cake and coffee and candles and laughter.
but grandma is not here anymore.
she has been gone for 4 years now. reagan was only 3 months old and payton just turned 2. i miss her every morning when i see her picture and once in a while the urge to call 252-7892 still runs through my hand and urges me to pick up the phone and dial. just to see what she at for lunch. or if she watched the news at 5.
when i cleaned out the kitchen drawers this weekend, i took out some of the aprons she made and put one on. i usually don't wear an apron when i cook, but when i tried it on, all the smells and memories flooded my nose and overwhelmed my mind. i actually stood in the pantry for a few minutes trying to collect my thoughts and pull myself together because rea was cooking with me and wouldn't understand my tears. everything about the moment reminded me of being a little girl in grandma's kitchen stirring and pouring and mixing. about the fun i had and the lessons i learned about patience and kindness and love.
when i cooked with grandma, there wasn't a right or a wrong way, if you spilled milk, you cleaned it up and when something needed to be done, you just did it.
i know lately my patience and kindness and love has been sorely lacking toward the kids. everything is rush rush, do it now and do it right. of course, after the short circuit of my mouth, i know when and where i messed up. when i am short with them I know where i should have said something different than what i did. but after the fact is too late.
better than nothing, yes, but not ok. i don't want to be the 'after the fact mom' who is always going back to correct a mistake that i made. i want to be able to speak kind words of wisdom and love. I want to have patience to explain and teach my kids correctly the first time.
standing in the pantry today smelling the apron and being brought back to a sweet memory of my grandma's kitchen, encouraged me to be more calm and patient with my babies that night, so one day, when they stop and smell a memory, they have the warm and fuzzy stir in their soul to make a positive choice in the experience they will be in one day.
thanks grandma, your not with us anymore, but you'll never be gone.
happy birthday!