today is the day, now night, before payton's 5th birthday party. he is having a star wars theme this year. at first he wanted a star wars, pokeman and power rangers theme combo, but we talked him out of it. so now, the night before, we have all the party preps ready for action. i did all my due diligence and looked on ALL the birthday party web sites on the net. planned, shopped at like 16 different stores to make sure i had every ingredient for dark side vs. light side necessities. we will have the yoda soda and darth malt to drink. jedi mix and darth mix to snack on, light sabers to battle with, an asteroid game, a battle scene cake and even a jumpy for jedi training. yet somehow after all the stores, purchases, baking and prep work, i feel like i didn't do enough. like somehow, my famous five year old star wars birthday isn't going to live up to the "famous five year old star wars birthday" protocol. which is posted where? i didn't quite find some elite standard i had to attain when i was searching for the themed goods. no one said, "you will be a failure as a mom" or a "party planner" or a "jedi" if you do or don't do it this way... i always have these perfectionist tendencies that haunt me. i go on this auto pilot ride called "this is your standard", "this is what you must achieve" and don't want to get off...
well, i'm off, i've exited the ride, for this party at least.
when i was making the cake tonight i was so excited, ready to cut that rice krispie treat full of chocolate frosting at just the right angle so the lava could flow out of the volcano that anikin and some other dude would be battling on shortly. well, oops, just as i was about to be so proud, the side of the volcano fell off. then the side of the cake did the same. as i watched the cake slowly crumble onto the side of the tinfoil wrapped cardboard i somehow equated it to my pride in being the best starwars throwing party, the best mom of payton, the best cake maker... it was like i watched myself fall apart as i watch the cake crumble. but you know what, when i went to tell payton about it as reagan licked all the pink (and i couldn't quite make red frosting since i ran out of food coloring) off the spoon, i saw he was sleeping. peacefully. and i think knowing he went to bed probably thinking "wow, i have the best mom in the world. she is doing ALL this for me" made it all ok. so here i am, ready to face the 5 year old critics tomorrow with a half collapsed cake, knowing the next strive in the quest for perfectionism is just around the corner. and hey, even though i know it is me to do it, i know i will still be loved if i don't. i just have to remember that!
before the crumble
after the crumble
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